They aren’t offended by your boundaries because they don’t respect you. They are simply delusional about realistic access to you. I used the word "delusional" to be spicy, but there is a real disconnect.
Let’s talk about hyper-personal communication and how constant access to one another can conflict with necessary boundaries.
Hyper-personal communication is where digital communication allows for strangers to become intimate and personal quickly, arguably more than if they were interacting face-to-face.
I’m going to come in with full transparency. There was a time where I didn’t feel like I had a full life. I felt like I was just going through the motions and social media was an escape for me. My identity, politics and moving away from everything I knew definitely made social media a space for me to connect with likeminded people.
But, no matter how I felt offline, I still existed in the real world.
Nothing made this fact clearer than becoming a mother. Suddenly, in the physical world, I was in endless demand. I could not ignore how I am responsible for how I show up in this world. Putting my phone down was now a nonnegotiable thing. It had to be done. Diapers had to be changed. Stories had to be read. Real life interactions had to be made. True connection required my intention. I had to be present.
It is known how motherhood typically changes your physical life. How available you are changes because of the layers parenting adds to your life. However, I’ve discovered that people don’t think that applies to your social media availability. Social media provides a way for us to communicate with those we can’t see in person. There’s so much beauty in this, but there’s another side to it.
So many people expect constant access to you. You don’t need a babysitter to respond to someone’s message. Everyone is literally at your fingertips. This creates an expectation that you should communicate with people in a way that may actually exceed your capacity.
How many times have you posted or said yourself that “people make time for what they want” after someone left you on read or didn’t get back to you online in a time you deemed appropriate?
How many times have you seen someone get offended by someone making a post but not responding to a message? I have seen so many people explain that making a post requires a different energy than participating in a one-on-one conversation and it’s true!
But still, people still feel slighted when you post and don’t message them back.
Here’s the truth and partially an unpopular opinion: Social media is real life but it is not our whole lives. It is just a part of life and everyone is struggling with finding a balance. No matter your frequency of being on social media, this phenomenon of hyper-personal communication impacts your life.
As someone who likes to do everything with maximum effort and who values quality time, social media is starting to stress me out. I like to give people my undivided attention. I value deep connections. I am an intense person so I can’t do anything half heartedly. I have been told that’s what people love about me. I have mixed feelings about this truth about myself, but it’s the truth nevertheless.
Recently, I’ve learned that people love how I pour into them but struggle to recognize that my nature does not just apply to them. I have a family, a job, a side hustle, a podcast and my own mental health that needs my investment. Everyone understands this as a concept. But there’s a disconnect when it comes to the logistics of it and how it impacts how accessible I am to them. I’ve been meditating on this, trying to understand where this stems from and have concluded it’s two things
1.) the hyper-personal communication phenomenon of social media and
2.) my people pleasing tendencies
I will and do burn myself out trying to give everyone all I want to give, completely ignoring what I CAN give. Every time I build a new connection online, I remember how isolated I used to feel before I had a full life and will abandon myself to show up for my new online friend in any moment I’m not doing something for someone else. I don't even consider boundaries.
It gets really bad. I will abandon essential parts of my schedule to show up for someone everyday and every moment that I physically can reach for my phone. It doesn’t matter if I planned to go on a walk for lunch to clear my head, or workout or anything for myself. If my friend is messaging me or calling me, I have to get to them and I can’t keep them waiting. I will do this and have a mental breakdown, or wonder why I’m feeling overwhelmed or haven’t met very realistic goals I set for myself. It’s truly ridiculous and I’m not proud of it.
It’s very telling that I don’t have this problem with any people I hang out with in real life though.
The beauty is that having a family does hold me accountable because I have people I have to be present for in my physical world. Family time is family time and that’s nonnegotiable. I may read your message but I’m not carrying a conversation when my husband and children are with me. That boundary was natural for me. I didn’t have to work hard to honor it. I barely eat at social gatherings because I’m hyper focused on staying engaged with the people around me lol.
But I need to be firm about that boundary when it comes to MYSELF. As a working mother and wife, I already have such small windows for myself and I know other parents and caregivers can relate. Heck, I’m sure most of you reading can relate.
I don’t have the solutions to this puzzle. But it is something I’m exploring during this off season and I thought I’d share it with you. I’m in the ugly phase of exploration when it comes to establishing and enforcing boundaries when it comes to online friendships and here are some prompts I’ve come up with it to help me:
What are my top priorities?
How am I honoring my relationship with myself?
How can I better pour into myself?
How do my social media connections impact how I show up for myself/my priorities?
How can I outline fair boundaries for my friends?
I’m proud to say that my social media newsfeeds are beautiful spaces because I do honor myself on how I navigate on those. But the one-on-one interactions could use some work. If you’ve got it figured out, I’d like to know what you do. Message me by navigating to the “contact” option on the website menu.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic and anything!
Season 3 of Verbal Tea doesn’t premiere until October, so feel free to catch up on the previous episodes on this website or anywhere you stream podcasts. I’ll still be in here at least once a month sharing some thoughts and prompts for you so stay tuned.
But most importantly, keep spending intentional time with your thoughts! 💚