S3E4- Letter to My Younger Self: It Gets Better

[00:00:07] Hey, welcome to Verbal Tea, the journaling podcast where we tune into our inner voices more than the voices of those around us. Each week, we explore topics through journal entries based on journal prompts that me, your host, Globe, comes up with for myself, my guest, and the tea lights, which is you.

[00:00:29] This month, our theme has been conquered and comfort, where we take a deep look into mental health of the things we've overcome and the safe ways that we comfort and protect ourselves.

[00:00:42] This week, I have been honored to have an amazing guest who is a survivor, an advocate, and a fellow podcaster.

[00:00:53] This is my podcast family. They have their own podcast called Decree of Dominion, where they explore all kinds of topics and they go deep.

[00:01:03] They go to the dark side, they go to the spiritual side, and there are so many calls of action that help you feel empowered and take your healing journey to the next level.

[00:01:13] I am so excited to have this guest with me. Let's introduce Dominion.

[00:01:19] Hello, everyone. Hello, tea lights. Welcome. I'm pleased to be a returning member of the Verbal Tea with Globe. How are you all today?

[00:01:32] We're well. If you want to give it like a pause, like Dora the Explorer, what's your favorite part?

[00:01:38] What's your favorite thing?

[00:01:40] I like that part, too.

[00:01:42] All right.

[00:01:44] All right.

[00:01:44] Well, awesome.

[00:01:45] And so, yes, I'm Dominion, founder of the Crea Dominion podcast.

[00:01:49] We specialize in highlighting domestic violence survivors, mental health, dating relationships, and going into 2025, starting a new series on the light versus the dark and spirituality.

[00:02:05] So that's a little bit about us.

[00:02:09] Oh, yes. He. Okay. You guys, I don't want to gush too hard, but this is the concept king. Okay.

[00:02:16] He'll come up with the dopest concept and the most creative, catchy title for it.

[00:02:23] And then just the Black Garden series, you guys, if you are done listening to low vibrational. Yes, I said it. Low vibrational relationship discussions.

[00:02:33] And you want to hear something that actually has depth and can help you get clarity, inspiration and empowerment.

[00:02:40] Listen to the Black Garden series. Okay. It's on Spotify, wherever you stream things. I'm on there, too.

[00:02:47] It is so good, though. Like he talks to all kinds of different people, professionals, couples.

[00:02:54] It's okay. That's enough. Enough of the gush fest. Anything you'd like to add before we get into the topic?

[00:02:59] Oh, yes. I just would like to encourage all the tea lights to decree the dominion of your mind and reveal the true light that shines.

[00:03:08] I'm just excited to get started.

[00:03:10] I'm so excited to have you here. This is a very vulnerable episode today.

[00:03:16] And I'm so I'm just really grateful that you wanted to be part of this, because I think that when it comes to mental health, we have a lot of people starting to talk about it.

[00:03:29] But to have a man on the podcast to discuss this, I'm just what an honor.

[00:03:35] I didn't even have this on my vision board. This was like beyond the stars for me.

[00:03:39] So I'm so happy to have you on before we get into what you wrote.

[00:03:44] You know, I ask everyone this. What is your current relationship with journaling?

[00:03:49] A current relationship? I'm a big journaling notepad guy.

[00:03:55] That's actually how I come up with all the concepts. I just like to write everything down.

[00:04:01] Anything used throughout life throughout the day.

[00:04:04] You know, you might have a word that comes to mind.

[00:04:07] You know, I like jotting it down and then writing, you know, concepts out for it.

[00:04:12] And then they turn into good material for episodes.

[00:04:16] And so everything that I've written for Decree of Dominion, if you have if you have already listened to an episode, you know, it's all through journaling, jotting things down and everything coming into fruition.

[00:04:32] So just pleased and blessed to be honored.

[00:04:36] Yes, a man with a vision, just the visionary.

[00:04:40] And we've talked about this before the show and numerous times.

[00:04:44] It is so cool to see someone coming with this podcasting boom who has such a specific, solid purpose.

[00:04:53] And you have such a great impact.

[00:04:55] All of your episodes are so good.

[00:04:57] But we're going to get vulnerable.

[00:05:00] You let people shine a light on their stories all the time.

[00:05:04] So what an honor it is to have you shine a light on yours.

[00:05:08] I gave you two different prompts to choose from to write on.

[00:05:11] And one was to write a letter.

[00:05:15] Do you want to tell us about that?

[00:05:18] Yes.

[00:05:19] And so, again, I am a domestic violence survivor from age 14.

[00:05:25] Me and my mom as well survived an attack on November 27, 28 of 2010.

[00:05:33] Black Friday 2010.

[00:05:35] I'm at the age of 14 years old.

[00:05:39] Born and raised originally in Lex to Kentucky.

[00:05:42] Do have a sister, biological sister from my mom and dad that was gratefully not in the home at that time.

[00:05:50] But I did have to uproot and move the family to Indiana where I currently reside.

[00:05:54] And so I did write a letter to the 14 year old version of me.

[00:06:01] And so this goes, dear 14 year old me, I know you're hurting in ways that feel impossible to explain.

[00:06:09] I know your heart is broken, your trust shattered, and your soul heavy with the burden no one your age should have to carry.

[00:06:17] What happened to you and mom that day after Thanksgiving in 2010 will forever mark your life.

[00:06:26] But let me tell you something you can't see right now.

[00:06:29] You will survive this.

[00:06:33] I'm writing to remind you of your strength.

[00:06:36] Even in darkness, there's a part of you that refuses to give up.

[00:06:42] That strength will become your light.

[00:06:44] You will be able to celebrate the very thing that pushes you forward.

[00:06:47] Even when you feel like there's no way out.

[00:06:50] You're going to grow in ways unimaginable.

[00:06:54] And this broken piece of your past, while always a part of you, will no longer define you.

[00:07:02] There will be days when the weight of this memory seems unbearable.

[00:07:07] But I need you to hold on.

[00:07:10] Hold on to the fact that this pain is not the end.

[00:07:13] It's a beginning.

[00:07:15] You will rise from this, even when you can't imagine how.

[00:07:19] You will transform the scars into stories of triumph, resilience and love.

[00:07:24] It will take time and it will take healing.

[00:07:27] But you will make it through.

[00:07:29] People will come into your life who will show you what love and safety really mean.

[00:07:34] They will teach you how to trust again.

[00:07:36] And most importantly, you will learn to trust yourself.

[00:07:40] You will learn that your life is precious, even when someone tries to take that truth from you.

[00:07:46] The path ahead is not easy, but it is full of meaning, purpose and the kind of love you deserve.

[00:07:54] I want you to know that mom will find her strength too, in her own time and way.

[00:08:01] You'll both walk this journey of healing side by side, even through the hardest of times.

[00:08:07] The bond you share will only deepen, becoming unbreakable in ways that few people will ever understand.

[00:08:14] You are still that beautiful, vibrant soul, full of potential and worth.

[00:08:20] Don't ever let the darkness convince you otherwise.

[00:08:23] What was meant to destroy you will become the soil in which your resilience grows.

[00:08:29] You will be more than a survivor.

[00:08:31] You will be a warrior with love and the deepest pride in your strength, your future self.

[00:08:41] Wow, that is beautiful.

[00:08:45] Oh my gosh.

[00:08:47] Lil bro, that is, wow, that's powerful.

[00:08:51] I just gotta give it a moment.

[00:08:55] What stuck out to me is how you acknowledged the feelings and the weight of what little you was going through, but how they will change, turn into stories of victory and triumph.

[00:09:11] It's a love letter.

[00:09:13] It's not even just a letter.

[00:09:14] That's a love letter to young you.

[00:09:16] How did you?

[00:09:19] How did it feel writing that?

[00:09:21] Like even put a link yourself back to that time?

[00:09:25] I guess again, I always just on my show, always encourage people to go to the darkest parts of the mind to reveal the true light that shines.

[00:09:35] And the reason I say that is even though it happened, it doesn't define you.

[00:09:42] And so just some of those words that were placed into the letter.

[00:09:49] It's all about resiliency.

[00:09:51] You know, life is about, you know, what you do when you get knocked down and how you respond.

[00:09:58] And a lot of times we just sit in self pity and we wonder why isn't this working or why that?

[00:10:09] Oh, what was me?

[00:10:10] Why this happened?

[00:10:11] And I encourage everyone to stop being a victim.

[00:10:15] Um, there's a reason, um, I call, um, those that go on my podcast and share their story, you know, warriors and survivors of domestic violence, not victims.

[00:10:28] Um, a victim, um, my opinionated definition of victim is what you're listed as when the act happens.

[00:10:39] You know, whether you're in the hospital, you know, when the doctors are writing, um, the police are taking the statement, you know, the victim is.

[00:10:50] The nameless NPC, um, for the paperwork, but not who you are as a person.

[00:10:56] And so the person you are is a survivor is a warrior.

[00:11:01] The actual act that was committed against you is what the victim is.

[00:11:06] And so the real victim is the failed attempt, um, at taking your life.

[00:11:16] But you are a warrior that survived.

[00:11:20] Wow.

[00:11:21] I've never heard it broken down like that.

[00:11:23] How you said, cause you hear people say don't have a victim mentality.

[00:11:29] You hear that all the time, but nobody has ever gone into depth of what they mean by that.

[00:11:34] It always kind of sounds dismissive, but the way you explained it is very empowering where it's like, that doesn't really, it's not a comment on who you are.

[00:11:43] It doesn't say everything about who you are as a person.

[00:11:47] It reduces you to just that experience.

[00:11:50] Wow.

[00:11:51] Yeah, exactly.

[00:11:52] And then it's like, um, it's just like you go to the doctor and they say, you know, um, just for example, it's October.

[00:12:02] So breast cancer awareness, um, you're not a victim.

[00:12:07] You're when you survive breast cancer, that's why they call it survivor.

[00:12:10] Um, the victim is the chemotherapy, the radio, um, therapy that the victim is, you know, what you went through, not what you overcame.

[00:12:22] Um, and so the person you are is the survivor is the warrior is a survivor.

[00:12:28] And again, the victim is, um, the actual act of what you went through.

[00:12:37] Wow.

[00:12:37] The way you said that victim is just for the paperwork.

[00:12:40] That's not who you are.

[00:12:41] That's a sound bite.

[00:12:43] If there ever was one.

[00:12:44] Um, and I'm going to, you know, as a survivor myself, I'm going to hold that close to me.

[00:12:49] Um, and I just changed my language because I always want how I express how I feel about myself and, you know, acknowledging what others have gone through.

[00:12:59] I always wanted to be in an empowering light.

[00:13:01] I want to, um, always acknowledge their, their power, their choice, their resilience.

[00:13:08] And so I say survivor from that standpoint, but I've never seen victim as like a dirty word, but it kind of, I won't say dirty, but.

[00:13:18] It does diminish a lot of the power that a person has.

[00:13:23] No.

[00:13:25] Yeah.

[00:13:25] You can also look at it is like victim is, you know, what they say in the morgue.

[00:13:30] Right.

[00:13:31] Um, it's, um, not so if you, um, if God pulls you through it, then again, you're not a victim.

[00:13:38] You're a survivor.

[00:13:40] Um, victim is those, you know, it's meant to honor, you know, the fallen and for us to hold those people in our hearts and strive to be better and to, um, honor their memory.

[00:13:54] And so, uh, to call yourself a victim while you're still living, um, is basically inviting death into you.

[00:14:03] Hmm.

[00:14:03] And again, diminishing your power and making you feel that as you've already again passed.

[00:14:14] And so a lot of, uh, I want to encourage the tea lights and everyone viewing and listening because again, you know, take a moment and really look in the mirror and think about that.

[00:14:26] Um, if you're, if you survive any part, if you're obviously you're still living, if you're listening right now, but if you have survived any form of domestic violence or mental health, um, whether it's depression, anxiety, uh, suicide attempts, um, and anything, you know, stress, um, you know, death in the family, all that, any, all those count towards mental health.

[00:14:53] Mental health is, um, forever expanding.

[00:14:56] If you survived any of that, you know, look at, again, look at your language, you know, look at how you talk, you know, um, victims again are for the deceased and for the honored fallen.

[00:15:08] And so, um, look at how you live your life.

[00:15:12] If you're, um, if you stay every day, say I'm a victim, then you're essentially living a dead life.

[00:15:21] Mm-hmm.

[00:15:23] You're giving that experience the power instead of yourself.

[00:15:28] Exactly.

[00:15:30] Well, when did, when did this all come together for you or did you always have that mindset or was there like a certain time you had that pivot?

[00:15:40] Oh, with my journey is just, um, I would say.

[00:15:46] Early on.

[00:15:47] Early on.

[00:15:47] So, um, there's actually a whole like story.

[00:15:50] Um, that's the reason why I'm actually starting the spiritual, um, warfare series, uh, next year.

[00:15:58] Again, uh, no spoilers here.

[00:16:01] That's the only, that's the only soundbite spoiler you get.

[00:16:04] But, um, when I was around 12, you know, again, I grew up Pentecostal.

[00:16:08] Um, I was told I was chosen by a prophet during a revival, a sermon when I was 12 years old, um, on a Friday night.

[00:16:16] And then, um, two years later, um, this act happened, um, surviving this, um, failed murder, suicide attempt.

[00:16:25] And then, um, just from there, um, just, you know, being, you know, just all the things I've been through, obviously my mom and family, you know, helped a lot.

[00:16:39] Um, but it really didn't come together.

[00:16:41] You know, it's still honestly coming in together, even at 28.

[00:16:44] Um, it's just one of those things where, again, you just keep moving forward, you know.

[00:16:51] Um, and I encourage all the tea lights to, you know, attack your darkest moments head on.

[00:16:59] Um, I think that's the best advice I could give on that.

[00:17:02] Um, for many years, I just lived with a spirit of vengeance and rage and trying to, um, search for those answers on, you know, why, why did my father do this?

[00:17:16] Or why did I do that?

[00:17:17] Searching for that clarity.

[00:17:19] And to be honest, you really only need clarity from God.

[00:17:23] You really don't need the other person, um, for clarity.

[00:17:28] A lot of times we always search for approval or clarity from other humans and we really don't need it.

[00:17:34] Um, and it doesn't have to be as, I love speaking about it because it doesn't have to be as a, I just want to encourage everybody that your story matters.

[00:17:43] It doesn't have to be as big as like your father trying to take your life right.

[00:17:46] It could be as simple as maybe you were neglected as a kid.

[00:17:50] You know, maybe you don't feel your parents loved you enough or maybe they didn't care about your likes and dislikes.

[00:17:56] Or, you know, maybe you always wanted to, you know, just a journaling podcast.

[00:18:01] Maybe you loved to journal as a kid and your parents always dismissed it or said, you know, why are you writing that stupid book?

[00:18:07] Or, you know, why don't you play sports?

[00:18:09] Or why don't you go to college and be a doctor or something?

[00:18:13] Why are you journaling?

[00:18:14] You know, it could just be as simple as just not, you know, being supportive of your dreams.

[00:18:19] Um, just little things like that.

[00:18:22] You don't need that approval from your folks, right?

[00:18:25] You just need approval from yourself and from God.

[00:18:28] And, um, if it's, um, obviously we're nobody's perfect, but if it's doing good goodness in the world, then.

[00:18:36] You know, you should just take that as, Hey, if what I'm doing is good and God is telling me it's doing good, then it doesn't matter what anybody else says or feels.

[00:18:47] A lot of times we attach our dreams to people's emotions and then we wonder why we're unhappy in life.

[00:18:58] Wow.

[00:19:00] That's yeah, that's true.

[00:19:01] We do attach our, our feelings, our worth to how others feel about us and how they're feeling in the moment and how they treat us.

[00:19:11] When oftentimes how people navigate the world has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you.

[00:19:19] Exactly.

[00:19:20] Especially in relationships.

[00:19:22] I mean, domestic violence comes from, you know, um, something amiss in the relationship.

[00:19:27] And, um, if whether you're a survivor or warrior, um, from the child's perspective or you're, um, the direct spouse or partner, um, don't allow your ex partners, uh, insecurities and emotions or lack of empathy or lack of communication skills or lack of self-control to determine your worth.

[00:19:53] And determine, you know, what you do with your life and don't let that, you know, kill your faith.

[00:20:02] Yeah.

[00:20:02] Uh, it is hard not to, I feel like a lot of times when it comes, especially to intimate partner violence, um, that people forget.

[00:20:15] Or don't acknowledge that a lot of times those people, the abusers groom those people that they're going to harm.

[00:20:25] So it's not like they just come out the gate, a monster.

[00:20:28] Um, they make you feel, feel safe for a long time and then just slowly chip away at you that.

[00:20:35] And then once they feel like it's their time, then they show their true colors.

[00:20:44] And so I just want to take this opportunity to tell the tea lights to offer grace, to offer grace to people who are surviving that because you don't know what's going on behind closed doors.

[00:20:58] You don't know all of the steps that were taken before it got to this, this big, scary point.

[00:21:04] It's, it's not always people just ignoring the red flags.

[00:21:10] Um, sometimes they change the whole color of the room and you don't even know it.

[00:21:16] Would you agree with that?

[00:21:18] Oh, yes, definitely.

[00:21:20] Um, and I would just say that, um, look for the warning signs.

[00:21:25] There's a lot of warning signs, um, even before you get on getting a relationship before you even go on the first date.

[00:21:33] Um, there's key signs, even in my own experience with my dad that, you know, there were several signs that we missed.

[00:21:43] But looking back, I was like, wow, we didn't even question that or why we didn't even notice that.

[00:21:48] That probably could have changed.

[00:21:50] Um, I wouldn't want to change it for the world, honestly, just because, you know, we go through things for a reason.

[00:21:57] God has a plan.

[00:21:58] But again, there are things looking back that if, if noticed at that moment, going back, like we would have been more well-equipped to handle, I would say.

[00:22:11] I believe that.

[00:22:12] But I feel like you guys should still give yourselves grace, you know, because is that is how they do it.

[00:22:20] They sneak up on you and they, um, they take advantage of that trust.

[00:22:26] Because without that trust, they couldn't get anywhere.

[00:22:28] So they build it first.

[00:22:29] They build that trust.

[00:22:30] And so what seems like a red flag starts to just look like a quirk, you know, just, oh, this person's just been in a weird mood.

[00:22:39] You know, it's just weird.

[00:22:40] That's it.

[00:22:41] We don't, it's hard to see it for what it really is sometimes after all of that trust is built.

[00:22:47] Bill, so you're single.

[00:22:50] Um, I have to ask with that in mind, all of these experiences, how do you keep yourself alert without being completely jaded?

[00:23:01] That's a great question.

[00:23:03] Um, honestly, um, I always use like football references, but, um, it's kind of like a blitz, right?

[00:23:10] And for those of you that don't watch football, all of blitz is, is, um, the defense sending more people to attack the quarterback.

[00:23:20] Then the offense has to block.

[00:23:23] So essentially there's five blockers, one quarterback, um, the defense they'll send, they normally send only four, but lately they'll send six.

[00:23:32] So that means one person's free.

[00:23:33] They can hit the quarterback as hard as possible and obviously create a negative play.

[00:23:39] And so it's the same thing in life.

[00:23:41] Um, just different.

[00:23:43] There's just different things you can look out for.

[00:23:46] Uh, try to look for warning size.

[00:23:49] Um, I try to look for purpose.

[00:23:51] Um, what I mean by that is what is the purpose of me wanting to cultivate this relationship with this woman?

[00:23:58] Um, that's the main thing that I'm starting to look at, especially now.

[00:24:02] Um, and I always like to be open and honest with myself.

[00:24:07] Um, one thing I've had to learn the hard way is every woman's not your wife.

[00:24:13] Um, sometimes you're going to, again, like she said, like Globe said, hold, uh,

[00:24:19] hold yourself grace.

[00:24:21] Um, there's going to be someone where you meet going on a great date.

[00:24:24] Um, you end up, you know, sleeping together and then you either never hear from her again, or maybe you date for a couple of months and it just doesn't work out.

[00:24:32] And again, show yourself grace and be okay with that.

[00:24:35] Um, you know, it's life and we're all learning.

[00:24:38] Um, a lot of times I would beat myself up because, you know, I'd meet a woman, go on a date, you know, go on a couple of days, date for two, three, four, five, six months.

[00:24:47] And be like, yep, this is the one I'm going to, you know, date her for, you know, another year and a half.

[00:24:52] Going to go to Jared, get a nice, uh, engagement ring and, you know, take her to wherever and propose.

[00:24:58] And then it didn't always, you know, end up like that.

[00:25:02] Um, another thing I would say is, um, know your boundaries, know your morals and your values and your worth and know what you're willing to compromise with.

[00:25:11] Uh, marriage and life is about compromise.

[00:25:14] And so, um, when you're, um, there's a lot of things that, you know, aren't compromised.

[00:25:20] Me is cigarettes.

[00:25:21] I hate them.

[00:25:21] So if you smoke cigarettes, I just, I can't do it.

[00:25:24] Um, but it's even more serious things like religion or, um, how you raise your kids.

[00:25:31] You know, obviously I have twin boys.

[00:25:33] I'll be seven next month.

[00:25:34] And so how a woman, especially if she doesn't have children, how a woman looks at children, or even if she has children, how she raises her kids and her parental values are utmost important.

[00:25:48] So if we have two completely opposite, um, parental values, then it's obviously not going to work since we both have two separate sets of kids that would be joining in union with us.

[00:26:00] And so those are some just quick tips.

[00:26:03] And again, I love what you said about grace.

[00:26:06] I try to show myself grace, um, show the other person grace too.

[00:26:10] You know, um, a woman's not going to be able to, that's what God's for, right?

[00:26:15] The woman's not going to be able to cater to every heartbreak that I felt or every, you know, thing I went through.

[00:26:21] They're not going to be able to understand.

[00:26:24] Um, I think, um, another thing that's really good, even if you're in a relationship, show your other, show your partner grace for what they've been through.

[00:26:34] Um, even if, you know, let's say I meet a woman that's never, you know, had her never been through mental health, or even though it's kind of like everybody's been through something, but let's say, you know, she's never been through domestic violence.

[00:26:46] Or maybe her parents, you know, she grew up in a perfect family home, you know, maybe she not might not understand, you know, where I'm coming from with my situation.

[00:26:54] But again, showing me grace and me showing her grace for, you know, Hey, I know that you never went through this, but here's how it looked for me growing up.

[00:27:03] Or, and it's, and it's not even just with domestic violence or mental health.

[00:27:08] It could just be the, um, the demographic of, uh, social status as well.

[00:27:14] You know, maybe, you know, if you grew up poor and the woman you're trying to date grew up rich, obviously you're going to have two different mindsets when it comes to money and poverty.

[00:27:23] And so, um, you guys can still build a successful relationship, but just again, show each other grace.

[00:27:31] She may not understand what it means to eat, you know, ramen noodles.

[00:27:34] You know, she might've been eating steak and lobster for breakfast or steak and eggs her whole life and, you know, vice versa.

[00:27:40] And so just show yourself, uh, show each other grace as well with that.

[00:27:45] Thank you so much for that.

[00:27:47] I love that you said, know your boundaries, know, know your values.

[00:27:51] I think that is where a lot of people get lost and it's not to like blame or anything like that, but we're told, you know, if there's a connection, go for it.

[00:28:02] And there's not enough emphasis put on, Hey, establish who you are and what you want and what you don't want.

[00:28:11] Really truly establish those boundaries before getting into a relationship.

[00:28:15] So you can compare people against them instead of kind of freestyling, like, Oh, I really like this person.

[00:28:21] So I'm going to be okay with this or be okay with that.

[00:28:24] And then later down the line, you look and you're like, I don't, I'm not happy.

[00:28:28] I don't like any of this.

[00:28:30] And I think that's what happens, um, for a lot of people.

[00:28:33] We're just told, Oh, just be yourself and just find someone who's, who's nice to you or good to you.

[00:28:39] But that's not enough.

[00:28:41] You have to make sure if you plan on marrying that you guys can walk through life together.

[00:28:48] And that requires understanding how they make decisions, understanding their triggers, their parenting philosophies, if there's children involved.

[00:28:56] And so I really like how you say reach to the darkest part of your minds, because once you do that, that's when all of those things start to fall into place.

[00:29:04] You, you start to get a picture of who you are and what you need in order to be your best self.

[00:29:11] So, and I want to, um, I love that you said that.

[00:29:15] And just to add on really quick, um, from what you said at that last moment with, you know, kind of just getting somebody that likes you.

[00:29:23] Um, I want to speak to the men tea lights real quick.

[00:29:28] Um, a lot of times we just chase women, um, because we want, you know, physical intimacy or, um, just somebody to hold us or what have you be, or, um, and then speak to the,

[00:29:41] women, uh, tea lights.

[00:29:43] Sometimes we, you know, chase men for financial gain or status, or again, for that, uh, physical intimacy.

[00:29:52] And, um, we ignore again, our values.

[00:29:56] For example, for me, I hate cigarettes, but if a woman looks good enough, you know, then you have to determine like, uh, you know, for, for one night, you know, for a couple of months, maybe I can deal with it.

[00:30:08] And that's the, um, lustful spirit of lust that we kind of deal with and tackle with on both men and women.

[00:30:18] Um, same thing with men.

[00:30:20] I mean, same thing with women, you know, uh, he, he ain't got no car, no job or, oh, he disrespects me, but, you know, in the bedroom is good.

[00:30:30] Right.

[00:30:30] So, you know, they're trying to tackle, uh, well, he kisses me good and, you know, you know, he cuddle, he holds me nice, you know, when we're in the sheets.

[00:30:40] So I'm just going to deal with him hitting on me or, you know, cussing me out or disrespecting me.

[00:30:47] And, you know, that's where that domestic violence stems.

[00:30:51] Again, how we, what we spoke about earlier, that's how that trust is built.

[00:30:55] Cause we just ignore those values and we ignore those, um, all, well, again, like she's like globe said, oh, well, he really likes me.

[00:31:03] Or she, you know, she really kisses me really nice, um, when we're together or, you know, I like the way, uh, he holds my hand.

[00:31:13] I like the way she rubs my shoulders after a long day at work and we ignore, um, all those red flags slash, um, just drop our guard down completely.

[00:31:25] And then we're left wide open for those attacks from the enemy.

[00:31:28] So that's what I'll say on that.

[00:31:30] I agree. And I love that you illustrated, it wasn't always just violence.

[00:31:35] Sometimes boundaries that are compromised or that you make concessions for aren't even, you know, violent or explicitly harmful, but it's still against what you want.

[00:31:49] Like cigarettes that doesn't do any harm to you unless you're around them when they're smoking secondhand smoke, but like they're just harming their own bodies. Right.

[00:31:57] So that's not like, that's not a red, a red flag.

[00:32:01] Like, oh, this person's going to put me in danger necessarily because they're just doing something to themselves.

[00:32:05] But if you can look past that now, they, they know there's a level of grace.

[00:32:11] And if they're a harmful person, they can just start to turn up the temperature little by little.

[00:32:18] And you're now you're making all of these concessions and then a big one comes and you don't even know where it came from.

[00:32:25] But because they're just piling up, like just a slow snowball effect.

[00:32:29] And that's why I tell people like, hey, no, no, what you don't want is stand on it, stand on it, because the first concession you make is just an one, one dice into the rest of the dominoes.

[00:32:44] You know what I mean? Exactly.

[00:32:47] It really can snowball.

[00:32:48] Now, I will say to also.

[00:32:53] Be convicted in your values, like the cigarette thing.

[00:32:57] I know it's like you probably listen like, oh, I smoke cigarettes every day and you probably think it's goofy, but tell the other person some of those.

[00:33:05] We all we call them pet peeves, but a lot of times it's like a very like not serious, like laughing conversation while you're either cuddling or at dinner or kissing or, you know, in the sheets or what have you.

[00:33:18] But have like a sit down at the table and don't do it when you're drunk or, you know, making love or doing anything like that.

[00:33:30] Maybe it's, you know, on a weekend, you know, you guys meet up or maybe if you're already in a relationship.

[00:33:36] Hey, let's go downstairs.

[00:33:38] Let's have some coffee.

[00:33:38] Let's make some breakfast.

[00:33:40] Let's eat.

[00:33:41] All right.

[00:33:41] Let's sit down.

[00:33:42] I to I mandle woman, you know, however, partner to partner.

[00:33:46] Look each other dead, you know, dead in the eyes.

[00:33:49] And let's talk about what makes us tick.

[00:33:52] You know, what are some things?

[00:33:53] Hey, here's the things you smoke cigarettes.

[00:33:55] I hate cigarettes.

[00:33:56] Look that person in the eye and tell them that and be convicted in that.

[00:34:01] And if it's something that is unwavering, then you need to have that conversation.

[00:34:06] Because on the caveat side to the grace, a lot of times we have these things that we can't stand and we don't even tell the other person.

[00:34:13] We don't even tell the partner.

[00:34:14] And so for them, you know, it's just like kids.

[00:34:18] Right.

[00:34:18] If you let your kid draw on the walls and, you know, never clean up after themselves, they think it's OK.

[00:34:25] And then you're, you know, and then you yell at them, be like, I said, stop drawing on the walls.

[00:34:31] Now they're upset.

[00:34:32] And they're like, what is like, what's wrong with mommy and daddy?

[00:34:35] Like, why are they yelling at me?

[00:34:37] Like, you never told me not to do this.

[00:34:39] And now you want to, like, throw it, you know, get upset and scream and or get frustrated.

[00:34:45] And then again, they don't.

[00:34:47] And the same thing with adults.

[00:34:49] You know, there's a lot of things that, like, for example, ladies, if he don't wash clothes or wash dishes and you and you're tired of always doing the dishes, sit them down.

[00:35:00] Have that conversation at dinner or at breakfast, like, hey, honey, honestly, I don't really like washing dishes all the time.

[00:35:08] I do it because I have to.

[00:35:10] But, you know, if you could, could you, you know, when I cook, could you wash the dishes after I'm done cooking, please?

[00:35:17] And then make that.

[00:35:19] And now something that could have been, you know, brewing into a big argument or kind of like snowballing, like Globe said.

[00:35:27] Now it's a.

[00:35:29] Due to proper communication.

[00:35:32] Now it's maybe you guys wash dishes together or maybe you put on some music and you're cooking and he's washing dishes or vice versa.

[00:35:39] Now it's a fun family or fun, you know, cute little relationship thing and that you're enjoying.

[00:35:47] But again, without those conversations and that communication, you know, it could have been like, man, I can't stand him.

[00:35:53] He don't never clean after himself or wash dishes or do his clothes.

[00:35:56] But you never told him that was expectation in the relationship.

[00:36:00] So he's thinking like, well, you got to think from a man's perspective, you know, not every man.

[00:36:06] But, hey, you know, when you grow up, your mom does all that for you.

[00:36:09] And so he may have you might be his first relationship, you know, first relationship.

[00:36:15] So he's like, she she, you know, I just moved in with her and she's doing all the cooking and cleaning and washing clothes.

[00:36:22] I'm good.

[00:36:23] And then they go on with that expectation and that assumption of, well, she's doing it, so I don't have to do it.

[00:36:32] But if you don't if you have that conversation like, hey, when we move in together, I expect us to share responsibilities around the house.

[00:36:39] Now that's a standard for the relationship.

[00:36:43] And again, be convicted in that and say, hey, you know, if this isn't happening, this relationship is not going to work and mean that and be convicted in that and say, I am leaving this relationship.

[00:36:55] If this is not the standard is not upheld and be serious in that.

[00:37:00] And then as long as you hold those convictions and those standards high and be firm in that and don't waver from that, then you'll see yourself being successful.

[00:37:12] Yes. Stand on it.

[00:37:14] You have to.

[00:37:15] And it doesn't make that other person a bad person.

[00:37:17] If they don't want to do X, Y or Z, that's the standard for you.

[00:37:21] That's their right.

[00:37:22] It's not their their job to honor your boundaries.

[00:37:27] It's your job to honor your boundaries and make space for people who will.

[00:37:31] If they won't, they'll find somebody that will be happy to clean up after them or whatever it is.

[00:37:38] But it doesn't have to be you.

[00:37:40] And they don't have to be a bad person because you're not their person.

[00:37:43] I think that's another thing.

[00:37:44] I think people are scared to have those hard conversations because they think that it has to end in hostility and that at the end of that conversation, either everybody's on good terms or there's a bad person.

[00:38:01] A disagreement doesn't always mean there's a villain.

[00:38:07] Ooh, everybody, just take a moment.

[00:38:10] Grab your tea.

[00:38:11] Grab your journal.

[00:38:12] Let's take a sip.

[00:38:13] Just take a sip with me.

[00:38:15] This conversation has been so powerful, and I've got some good news for you guys.

[00:38:21] It's not over.

[00:38:23] Tune in next week for part two of my conversation with Dominion, where we will be exploring some important things to understand about survivors and some very actionable ways on how to support the ones in your life today.

[00:38:39] I can't wait for you guys to hear it.

[00:38:41] I hope you guys tune in.

[00:38:43] Be well.

[00:38:44] But before we go, if you guys want to, I know you guys are going to want to hear more of what he has to say because this is what he covers consistently on his platform.

[00:38:55] So I'm going to allow him to tell you guys where to find him.

[00:38:59] Awesome.

[00:38:59] So the Creded Dominion podcast you can find on Spotify, RSS, iHeartRadio, Apple Podcasts, and RSS to YouTube as well.

[00:39:08] Facebook page at the Creded Dominion podcast on Facebook.

[00:39:15] Again, we're getting close to our yearly goal of 500 followers.

[00:39:20] So I think we're like 486 right now.

[00:39:23] So getting real close to that.

[00:39:24] I'm also on Instagram at Decree Dominion 24 and at TikTok at Darklaw Dominion 96.

[00:39:32] And so go ahead and give us a follow.

[00:39:34] Again, we have Darklaw Dominion Mental Health Series Episode 17 going to be dropping in the next few weeks.

[00:39:44] Episode 16 drops next Wednesday at 3 p.m.

[00:39:47] We also have Black Garden, like we mentioned earlier, that came out September 20th last month.

[00:39:54] So actually one month anniversary for having that out today that I just looked.

[00:39:59] So go ahead and check that out.

[00:40:01] It's 22 episodes of greatness.

[00:40:04] And so really excited to expand on the dating relationship side of mental health.

[00:40:12] And then again, 2025, the new Spiritual Warfare Series will be dropping.

[00:40:22] So tea lights, stay tuned from that.

[00:40:25] So go ahead and follow those Facebook pages.

[00:40:27] Go ahead and follow Spotify.

[00:40:29] And then be looking out for that trailer to drop for that new series.

[00:40:33] Thank you so much, Dominion.

[00:40:35] And as always, you know, you can stay in touch with us at Verbal Tea Time on Instagram and TikTok and Verbal Tea wherever you stream your podcasts, including YouTube.

[00:40:46] And as always, you guys, focus on thriving instead of surviving.

[00:40:51] Spend intentional time with your thoughts and be well.