For June, we explored fatherhood with two black fathers I personally know well. (You can watch the replay on YouTube or Facebook or listen on major podcasts platforms). My first guest was a friend who I’ve known since childhood. I watched him grow up to be an amazing father despite not truly having that example in his own. My other guest was my father and he has blown me away with his growth.
One common theme both fathers alluded to is how their children are reflections of them. Rc Cavin, my childhood friend, shared how he realized having his daughter shows him how it feels to receive HIS love. My father titled his journal entry “DNA on Display.” This concept was really powerful to me.
I always causally say children are a reflection of us but to hear two passionate, intentional and wise fathers lay it out made me revisit that phrase.
It reminded me how when my father and I would get into arguments he would sometimes say, “I can’t even be mad because I know you get that from me.” As I got older, I became more vocal about how I felt my father was not matching up to what I needed. We both are talkers and don’t really say much without conviction so you can imagine the intensity of our conflicts. It got to a point that I moved cross country and boxed him out for five years!
So how did he end up on my podcast? Honesty. I know I can be an alchemist with my words. I can either uplift or destruct. One day, I reached out to my father to apologize for not using the most constructive language when confronting him. He immediately responded and said I’m the child and he’s the father so he is the one who owes the apology. He was grateful for me reaching out to him and booked the soonest plane to come visit me. He flew across the country to apologize to me in person and it was one of the most pivotal dinners of my life. In that restaurant, instead of trying to share his side of the story like I’ve heard nearly all my life, he poured into me. He shared with me lessons he’s learned about himself and admirable ones about my mother that I could use to elevate myself as a person, woman and mother. He put it all out. He saw me as not just his child who needs to understand him but as a person he needs to understand and aid. Maybe he always saw me as both but that day was the first time I felt it.
My father was always defensive because he wanted us to understand that he loved us. But, some choices he made and the distance between us put his shortcomings on display in a way that I’m not even sure I could navigate gracefully. In Episode 2 of Season 2, he speaks more about how he found resolve and how to balance wanting to be understood without pushing us away by defining himself so hard. So, I will leave that for you to listen to when you can. But believe me when I say, finding that resolve is a game changer.
I like to think I would’ve have still healed and elevated without that reconciliation between us two. I definitely was working on it so I could be a better example of love as a mother. But, I am forever grateful that I don’t have to wonder because my father stepped up.
I have always hated when people shame the younger generation. It grinds my gears because they are a direct reflection of the generation that raised them. The younger generation always highlights where the old generation could’ve improved and what they got right.
If you teach your child to defend themselves, expect them to speak up when it comes to you someday. And when they do, you will see you! Our children show us where we glow and where we need to grow. Even the best parent (maybe ESPECIALLY) will witness their child try to break through one of the flaws they inherited from them. The Internet lives forever so I hope I keep this perspective as my children grow.
My mission with this journaling podcast is to help us work through all that impacts our inner voice. Diving into the sea of our relationships with our caretakers is a deep ocean with some of the most powerful waves when it comes to how we understand ourselves. Not everyone is lucky to reconcile with their parents and even then, the larger work still has to be done by us. Here are some more prompts worth writing about to tune into your inner voice as a parent or as someone’s child:
Everyone:
How have my parents impacted how I understand love?
What is something I wanted from my parents, but never received?
What choices can I make to fill in the holes left from my parents? (Reparenting myself)
Parents:
What example of love do I want to display for my child?
How am I succeeding in modeling love?
How can I improve in modeling love?
You can hear our conversations on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts and IHeart.
Freedom is the topic for July! Stay tuned for the next entry to discover what inspired the topic and the prompts we’ll be discussing.
Until then, continue seeking out your voice, spend intentional time with your thoughts and focus on how to thrive instead of just survive.