S3: E1- Realistic Self-Care: How to Make Your Mind a Safe Space

[00:00:08] Hi! Welcome to Verbal Tea, The Journaling Podcast where we focus more on our own inner voices than the voices of those around us.

[00:00:15] I'm Globe, your host.

[00:00:18] And each week we explore topics through journal prompts that I have come up with for myself, my guests, and you.

[00:00:26] You can always tune in and write along to those journal prompts by following our blog at our website in the show notes.

[00:00:34] It is season three, you guys. Three is my favorite number. I am so excited. I can't say it enough.

[00:00:40] I know you guys hear that a lot, but I am really excited about this season.

[00:00:44] While October is kind of a fun month because it's Halloween, so if you like to costume like me, it is fun.

[00:00:51] It is still the start of fall. It's still the start of fall, which means that, you know, we're not outside as much.

[00:01:00] The weather is getting colder, the days are getting shorter, and that does impact us mentally.

[00:01:05] And that's likely why October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month as well as Mental Illness Month.

[00:01:11] Because we are more vulnerable during this time.

[00:01:15] The holidays are coming and that's a lot of pressure for a lot of people.

[00:01:19] They have so many different feelings about them and they're not always positive.

[00:01:24] It could be a dark time.

[00:01:31] We are more vulnerable during this time.

[00:01:32] While that is the general purpose of this podcast, we're getting to the nitty gritty when it comes to just our mind state and our mind frame.

[00:01:43] I call this series for October the Conquer and Comfort Series.

[00:01:49] This month, you will hear us explore our strengths, explore our victories, as well as ways that we can comfort ourselves and armor ourselves.

[00:01:59] Over the past two seasons, you guys have given me a lot of feedback.

[00:02:03] A lot of you guys have messaged me directly and shared your thoughts on the episodes.

[00:02:08] And it looks like you guys really like the little teaspoons.

[00:02:12] So since we're covering something so sensitive, I wanted to start the season off with a little teaspoon to honor what you guys have said.

[00:02:21] And also to just provide a gentle blanket and just, you know, light some candles and set the mood for a very heavy topic and conversations that we'll have this month.

[00:02:34] So to start off, we are discussing how to make your mind a safe space.

[00:02:40] I came up with this basic journal prompt is how do you make your mind a safe space?

[00:02:44] And in list form with rambles and annotation, I came up with all these different ways that I am making my mind a safe space.

[00:02:53] And I'm going to share with you guys the five, my top five ways that I do.

[00:02:58] And at the end of the episode, I'm going to give you guys three actionable ways that you can make your mind a safe space if you haven't already, as well as some bonus journal prompts.

[00:03:09] Let's get into it.

[00:03:12] The first way that I make my mind a safe space is acknowledging that my mental space is my responsibility.

[00:03:22] I had to reframe how I thought of boundaries because the way I was thinking of them before was resulting in driving myself crazy.

[00:03:32] Like truly, I was compromising boundaries to respect other people's and and make other people feel good.

[00:03:40] And kind of just, you know, not being that good to myself and becoming bitter because of it.

[00:03:47] But now I know my boundaries are my responsibility as community based as I am.

[00:03:53] I know the truth is that no one owes me anything.

[00:03:59] We should all be good to one another.

[00:04:02] But all of us, all of us, even the worst of us are trying to find a way to navigate all the negativity around us and within us.

[00:04:10] So while you shouldn't take it personal, you do have to be militant about your boundaries.

[00:04:16] OK, you just do.

[00:04:18] Some people may not like you and it may be that deep.

[00:04:22] But at the same time, at the end of the day, if you want to be good to other people, you got to know how to be good to yourself.

[00:04:28] So you can't just consume all of those feelings and be in this resentful, polarizing, ugly space.

[00:04:37] That's how that happens.

[00:04:38] So be good to yourself and then you could be good to others.

[00:04:41] And you can sometimes recognize how they're struggling.

[00:04:45] Boundaries are for us, not for other people.

[00:04:49] They're not for us to tell other people what they should and shouldn't do and how they are or aren't going to treat us.

[00:04:55] They are for us to be like, hey, this is what I'm worthy of.

[00:04:59] This is harmful to me, so I won't be, you know, enduring this.

[00:05:04] This is what a healthy space looks like for me.

[00:05:08] And so this is what the choices I'm going to make to align with it.

[00:05:12] And that person may or may not fit in.

[00:05:15] That's it.

[00:05:16] It's really that simple saying I'm worthy of being at peace and being fulfilled.

[00:05:21] And these are the guardrails.

[00:05:23] You know, this is what the lane looks like.

[00:05:26] And anything outside of that is not compatible.

[00:05:29] Not, oh, you don't treat me this way, so you're a bad person.

[00:05:32] And look, if we focus on establishing and enforcing our boundaries, we won't be that focused on vilifying others.

[00:05:42] And in turn, we are kinder to people.

[00:05:47] Seriously.

[00:05:48] Seriously.

[00:05:49] I promise.

[00:05:49] That's how it works.

[00:05:50] So think about it like peanut butter, having an allergy to peanut butter, which is dreadful.

[00:05:56] And I hate that some people are allergic to peanut butter because peanut butter is amazing.

[00:06:01] But if you're allergic to peanut butter, are you going to be mad that other people are eating it?

[00:06:06] No, like it's not their responsibility to stop eating peanut butter or never make peanut butter sandwiches or peanut butter food.

[00:06:13] It is your responsibility to be mindful that other people enjoy it.

[00:06:18] Some people can only afford that for their work lunches and, you know, move accordingly.

[00:06:25] Now, that's like oversimplified, but it helps me reframe it a bit.

[00:06:29] And in turn, I get to be a lot kinder to people because I am not focused on whether they have me effed up or not.

[00:06:37] I'm like, okay, that's not going to work for me.

[00:06:41] And like, you know, that's it.

[00:06:45] That's not going to work for me.

[00:06:46] I wish them well, like, because people can be good people and not good for you.

[00:06:51] And understanding that your mental space is your responsibility makes that easier.

[00:06:56] I can ramble, but I'll start to sound like the Aquarius I am.

[00:06:59] So we're going to leave it there.

[00:07:01] Your mental space is your responsibility and boundaries are made for you, not for other people.

[00:07:07] All right.

[00:07:09] Second, the second way I make my mind a safe space is I make my home a safe space.

[00:07:15] That is where I get to be.

[00:07:17] Like my home is where I pay to live and where I rest and where I eat.

[00:07:21] Your home should be unapologetically you.

[00:07:25] So that means decorating, you know, getting your favorite colors somewhere in the mix and that decorating.

[00:07:33] Also just, you know, having your favorite things there and being free within your home.

[00:07:40] So for us, like we have our our place is decorated and it's decorated in a way that I love.

[00:07:46] I love my family so much and we love each other.

[00:07:50] So we have pictures of each other all over, like all over the house.

[00:07:53] I am very creative.

[00:07:55] My children are always are super creative.

[00:07:57] So we have lots of crafts so that at any given time we can just, you know, we can whip up something.

[00:08:04] We got some construction papers and glue, toothpicks, all that.

[00:08:08] So we can whip up a craft to get to get our creative, you know, spirits going.

[00:08:15] Another thing is we are free to express ourselves here.

[00:08:19] We can say the feelings that aren't positive and say that's how we're feeling like we can say we're feeling sad.

[00:08:25] The kids can tell me they just need a hug or need to cuddle or need, you know, alone time where they just might want to just rest underneath our happy blanket and watch one of their favorite movies.

[00:08:38] That's part of making your home a safe space.

[00:08:40] Your home is not just a utility.

[00:08:43] It is your sacred haven.

[00:08:46] So think about that.

[00:08:48] How are you making your home a safe space?

[00:08:56] Another way I make my mind a safe space is I get my feelings out.

[00:09:03] Now, this doesn't mean like I'm going off on people and things like that.

[00:09:07] Quite the opposite.

[00:09:08] It's very quite the opposite because I get my feelings out and they don't just,

[00:09:12] fester inside me.

[00:09:13] I don't really blow up on people like I used to because I've gotten to like process it and get to a healthier space.

[00:09:22] I grew up Christian.

[00:09:23] And so I am really familiar with this.

[00:09:25] And I feel like a lot of especially marginalized people are familiar with this martyr syndrome rhetoric where you you just push things down.

[00:09:35] You hold things in for the benefit of others.

[00:09:38] I feel like a lot of people are not good for others.

[00:09:39] But that's nonsense.

[00:09:40] And it's not good for anybody.

[00:09:42] It's poisonous to yourself and the people who care about you.

[00:09:45] Good people want to see you doing well.

[00:09:48] Okay?

[00:09:48] They do.

[00:09:50] Good people want to see you doing well.

[00:09:51] And you're not doing anyone any real favors by just pushing all that stuff down.

[00:09:59] Like it doesn't make you a better person.

[00:10:01] It makes you very bad to yourself.

[00:10:04] And I just, I really want us to reframe how we think about that.

[00:10:10] Like being bad to yourself makes you bad to yourself.

[00:10:15] It doesn't make you a good person.

[00:10:16] I worry about people who over give and are just giving without any boundaries because I'm just waiting for them to blow up and take it out on someone who they have the least, who can give them the least social benefit.

[00:10:32] Because that's what be happening.

[00:10:37] And I've also seen, I've also seen this.

[00:10:40] I've seen people sacrifice themselves time and time and time again and end up with all of these physical, literal, physical ailments because they've neglected their mental health.

[00:10:52] Let's not do that.

[00:10:53] Okay?

[00:10:54] You're a good person and you're so good that you're going to be good to yourself.

[00:10:58] Let's say that.

[00:10:59] Right?

[00:10:59] Say, I am a good person and I am so good that I am going to be good to me.

[00:11:06] Because at a certain point when you're giving and giving and giving and you are suffering, you really do have to ask yourself, why are you doing that?

[00:11:15] It's either because you are just like trying to get some external validation or unfortunately you don't believe you deserve good things.

[00:11:23] And I don't want you to believe in that about yourself.

[00:11:27] I no longer believe that about myself because I used to be one of those people.

[00:11:30] I do deserve good things.

[00:11:32] And so I'm good to me and it makes me a lot better to others.

[00:11:36] Another way that I make my mind a safe space, and this is a big one, is I monitor what I consume.

[00:11:53] We have all heard the saying, you are what you eat.

[00:11:56] Right?

[00:11:57] You are what you eat.

[00:11:58] Okay.

[00:11:59] Well, you are what you engage with now.

[00:12:01] Let's think about social media.

[00:12:03] Okay?

[00:12:04] Let's go on.

[00:12:06] Let's go there.

[00:12:06] Because I'm on social media.

[00:12:08] All right?

[00:12:09] I'm going to be honest with myself.

[00:12:10] Another.

[00:12:11] That's another little thing I make my mind a safe space.

[00:12:14] I'm honest with myself about my limitations, my flaws and my intentions.

[00:12:18] But let's focus.

[00:12:20] I'm online.

[00:12:21] I like social media because I like connecting with people.

[00:12:25] But social media once was a place that I didn't like and it was kind of my fault.

[00:12:30] I was engaging with stuff I didn't like, you know, arguing with people I would never even talk to.

[00:12:35] Like just, just gross.

[00:12:38] Honestly gross.

[00:12:39] And so I didn't feel good about it and I was in a dark space.

[00:12:42] But now, for the past like year and a half, I have made the algorithm my bitch.

[00:12:48] And that's what you should do.

[00:12:50] So what I've done to make the algorithm work for me is I actively engage in what I enjoy.

[00:13:01] And I don't engage in what I don't.

[00:13:04] I feel like a lot of people, they passively engage with what they like and then actively engage with what they don't.

[00:13:11] What I mean by this is if you see a nice picture of someone, you're going to go ahead and give it a heart rate and keep scrolling.

[00:13:18] If you see a post that is just like sparking up a debate and you have strong feelings about it and don't like what other people are saying on there.

[00:13:26] You're going to go.

[00:13:27] A lot of you guys are going to go back and forth with those people, the original poster and argue about it.

[00:13:33] And it's the content that you don't even like.

[00:13:34] Like you were just arguing against something you don't like.

[00:13:39] That's actively engaging with content that you don't like.

[00:13:42] So let's swap it or not even swap it.

[00:13:46] Just actively engage with what you like.

[00:13:48] So the way I do that is one, I search.

[00:13:53] I search.

[00:13:54] I search for the creators and people who consistently post things that I like.

[00:13:59] I search for them so I can engage with that.

[00:14:01] I search keywords if what I want to find for the day is very specific.

[00:14:08] I also take the time to comment.

[00:14:12] I don't just heart react and keep scrolling.

[00:14:14] I heart react and I share why I love it.

[00:14:17] I engage in the positive, constructive discussions.

[00:14:20] Oh my gosh.

[00:14:21] I love this post because I love seeing black women love properly.

[00:14:25] Oh, I love this because I love seeing men be able to express the range of emotions.

[00:14:30] I love this.

[00:14:32] I ha ha reacted this because I've watched this five times.

[00:14:36] It is too funny.

[00:14:37] Like saying that tell the algorithm what you like.

[00:14:41] Because everything you're engaging with is sending a message.

[00:14:44] And what we're constantly being sold to, I like the products to at least be something I enjoy.

[00:14:51] I think about it like this and this might help you guys.

[00:14:55] Think about your smartphone, your TV, your books, your conversations with your friends.

[00:15:03] Think of it as your utilities in your home.

[00:15:07] Think about it as your refrigerator.

[00:15:08] Okay.

[00:15:10] I have given up soda.

[00:15:12] My husband is working on minimizing how much soda he drinks.

[00:15:17] So that means that when we go grocery shopping, we don't, we don't buy soda at all.

[00:15:22] Soda is not on the grocery list because we want our refrigerator working for our goals,

[00:15:27] working for our intentions and you know what we want to consume.

[00:15:34] It's the same way with everything else, especially in your home.

[00:15:38] Cause we're scrolling on our homes.

[00:15:39] We're streaming on our homes.

[00:15:40] We're reading in our homes.

[00:15:42] We're conversing in our homes.

[00:15:44] So think of it that way.

[00:15:46] And I promise you, it really does change your mental state.

[00:15:50] Like, even if you see my posts now, you compare my posts from like 2000, just 2020 to 21.

[00:15:58] And you compare them to today.

[00:16:01] Very different.

[00:16:03] Sure.

[00:16:03] There was a brain leap, you know, I turned 25 and things, but also.

[00:16:09] I legit just changed what I consume.

[00:16:11] I am more active about what I consume.

[00:16:14] So the last way that I make my mind a safe space is I keep these in perspective.

[00:16:21] Ambition is just the human condition bars.

[00:16:25] It is a human condition.

[00:16:27] We are always going to strive for more.

[00:16:29] I mean, look at us.

[00:16:30] That's just what we do.

[00:16:31] We want to make things better, more convenient, more, more, more, more.

[00:16:35] It's hard to stop.

[00:16:38] But we always have more than we had before.

[00:16:41] We always do.

[00:16:42] And so I try to keep things in perspective.

[00:16:44] One way that I do that is I celebrate the wins in the present and after the fact.

[00:16:52] And they can be the smallest victories.

[00:16:55] I celebrate them.

[00:16:56] Did I have a generally good day today?

[00:16:58] Yeah.

[00:16:58] Look at that.

[00:16:59] No tears.

[00:17:00] That is a victory.

[00:17:01] Did I have a hard time making something happen and I didn't cut my hair?

[00:17:05] Yes.

[00:17:06] That's a victory.

[00:17:09] Um, just little things like that.

[00:17:12] And then as like a seasonal practice, imagine what your high highlight reel would be.

[00:17:18] You know, what was the highlight of your day?

[00:17:19] What was the highlight of the seasons?

[00:17:21] What are some three great things that happened this season?

[00:17:24] Just keeping those things in perspective.

[00:17:26] When we practice celebration, not like toxic positivity, but like just practice celebrating the beauty in life that we experience day to day.

[00:17:37] It really makes it easier to empower ourselves to feel that we're capable of getting to whatever next goal we have for ourselves.

[00:17:45] Because seriously, even if you've lost a lot and you're just struggling with that right now, you have a lot of know how and a lot of perspective to where if you when you get those things again, you know how to sustain them.

[00:18:04] It's just true.

[00:18:05] Like, you know how you won't lose them in the future because you've you have that experience and that wisdom now.

[00:18:10] So even if you lost everything now, you know, when you get it back, how you're going to sustain it.

[00:18:14] And that is a victory.

[00:18:17] Now, those things are kind of they're not abstract, but they're not like super practical.

[00:18:24] Like I can do it today.

[00:18:26] Like, sure, you could decorate yourself your house today.

[00:18:29] Sure.

[00:18:29] You can start telling yourself today that your mental space is your responsibility.

[00:18:36] But like those take some time, they'll say some time and they took a lot of time.

[00:18:42] And I want to put it in my blog for you guys to read more about the process on how I was able to grow to regularly make those a daily part of my practice.

[00:18:54] But I love you guys.

[00:18:55] And so I'm going to give you guys some other like very micro micro changes that make a big impact on how to make your mind a safe space.

[00:19:04] There are things that you can do in your routine.

[00:19:08] Yes, I believe one of the most effective ways to do a change and to get your mind like to correct your mind is to put it into your routine.

[00:19:19] Because if you try to add on to your day, it's very at least for me, it's very hard, especially because I hyper fixate on new hobbies and things like that is very hard for me to keep up with.

[00:19:32] Oh, I'm going to designate 30 minutes a day to this.

[00:19:34] That's very hard for me.

[00:19:36] But I'm gonna tell you some things that I've done that's made it easy to just like pour into myself.

[00:19:43] What are some things you do every day?

[00:19:45] Every day you're going to get dressed.

[00:19:47] And every day you are going to like groom yourself.

[00:19:51] So saying good things to yourself and speaking of things into yourself in a routine is just that's how you do it.

[00:19:59] So let me go ahead and give you guys these.

[00:20:01] The first one is washing yourself and showering.

[00:20:06] Washing yourself and showering are a good way to take some time to speak well into yourself.

[00:20:12] So if I'm having a really bad day or I've got like really heavy things in my mind when I'm showering, I will say I'm washing it off.

[00:20:21] Like I'm washing the self doubt off.

[00:20:24] I'm washing this off.

[00:20:25] And it doesn't magically go away.

[00:20:27] But just saying that just saying I've got the power to like just give this away like it really does help.

[00:20:32] And it's possible and realistic because I shower every day.

[00:20:37] Another thing is my lotion.

[00:20:40] You you're not gonna go out ashy, right?

[00:20:43] Right?

[00:20:43] You ain't out here ashy, right?

[00:20:45] Okay.

[00:20:47] Well, most of us aren't.

[00:20:49] If we're not gonna be ashy, we are going to lotion.

[00:20:52] And when I'm lotioning, I say I'm rubbing things in.

[00:20:56] Because no matter if I'm in a rush or not, like I'm going to lotion.

[00:20:59] So I'll say I'm rubbing discipline in.

[00:21:02] Discipline in all areas.

[00:21:03] Mental, physical, financial, you know, I will rub it in.

[00:21:07] I'm rubbing confidence in.

[00:21:09] I'm rubbing prosperity in.

[00:21:11] Rubbing whatever.

[00:21:12] I'm rubbing it in because it is in my skin.

[00:21:14] It is in me now.

[00:21:16] And just doing that as a practice, it helps get your mind right.

[00:21:20] Because people will say, oh, look in the mirror and say some good things to yourself for five minutes.

[00:21:27] And that sounds so easy.

[00:21:30] But like I said, if you are in a rush, are you really gonna be like, oh, wait, I gotta do my five minutes?

[00:21:36] No, not if you already struggle with being nice to yourself.

[00:21:39] That's just not realistic.

[00:21:40] But lotioning yourself, you can't just be like, oh, I'm rubbing this in.

[00:21:44] You know, just do it.

[00:21:46] Ha.

[00:21:47] Now, another thing you can do is to wear things that make you happy.

[00:21:52] Seriously.

[00:21:53] And it doesn't have to be like the whole outfit makes you happy.

[00:21:56] Because we have uniforms and just expectations depending on what we work or where we're going.

[00:22:01] But you can just wear one thing that makes you happy.

[00:22:04] Like wear your favorite hairstyle.

[00:22:06] This is my favorite hairstyle, y'all.

[00:22:08] You can wear your favorite hairstyle.

[00:22:09] You can wear your favorite color, which I'm also doing.

[00:22:13] You can wear it like if there's a color, a color dress code.

[00:22:18] You can just wear your favorite socks underneath, you know, or paint your toes or something your favorite color.

[00:22:23] Or your favorite perfume.

[00:22:25] But just put on something that makes you feel good.

[00:22:27] Wear an affirmational t-shirt.

[00:22:30] Something.

[00:22:31] Wear something that makes you feel good.

[00:22:34] Now, this last one is, it's not part of your grooming routine, but it's part of our digital routine.

[00:22:42] And I love this one.

[00:22:44] Make your passwords affirmations.

[00:22:48] Seriously.

[00:22:49] My husband makes fun of how long my passwords are because they're full sentences or full phrases.

[00:22:56] And I don't know about you guys, but a lot of our jobs do make us change our passwords every 90 days.

[00:23:01] And if you are practicing digital responsibility, you are changing your passwords every now and then as well.

[00:23:10] Make them affirmations.

[00:23:12] So whatever you're focused on for the season, for the month or trying to drill into yourself, make that your password.

[00:23:19] Make it your password so you're typing that.

[00:23:21] You're literally typing it in and thinking it's playing in your mind as you're typing it in.

[00:23:25] That is another great way to make your mind a safe space because you're feeding yourself good things in a realistic way.

[00:23:34] Seriously.

[00:23:35] Micro changes, massive impact.

[00:23:37] I hope you guys try those.

[00:23:40] Now, as promised, I do have some bonus journal prompts for you.

[00:23:46] One thing I would like you guys to write about is a time you felt safe.

[00:23:53] Just write about one time you felt safe.

[00:23:55] Write about one of your favorite pieces of clothing and why it makes you feel so good.

[00:24:03] And lastly, write about how you can make your home a safe space or how your home is a safe space so you can celebrate that.

[00:24:12] I really hope that this helps you guys, empowers you guys.

[00:24:16] Like I said, this month is going to be a heavy month.

[00:24:19] We are probably going to cry a little bit.

[00:24:23] We're going to hug each other digitally and hopefully physically if you guys are listening to this with your friends, which I strongly encourage.

[00:24:31] I'm excited because we're going to set off these cold seasons, these cold months, right by empowering ourselves and just think of verbal tea as a blanket right now.

[00:24:44] Okay.

[00:24:46] Next week we are discussing what we have overcome.

[00:24:52] Yes, we are putting things into perspective.

[00:24:54] Yep, we are doing that.

[00:24:55] And I am so excited to get into that with you guys.

[00:24:59] Like I said, if you want to ride along, please check out our blog.

[00:25:04] And if you guys have any thoughts, if this podcast makes your day better in any way, please tell me.

[00:25:12] But more importantly, tell a friend.

[00:25:15] Please tell your friends about it if you think that this can also make their days.

[00:25:19] And as always, follow us at Verbal Tea Time on TikTok, Instagram and on threads.

[00:25:29] Always, always, always, y'all.

[00:25:31] Focus on thriving instead of just surviving.

[00:25:35] Spend intentional time with your thoughts and be well.

[00:25:38] I'll see you next week.

[00:25:38] Bye.